What to do when you get married

By Katie Martens

Abstract: financial conversations you should have before you get married, and how to decide if a prenup is right for you.

You know what’s weird about big life events like marriage? You have many loved ones giving you a ton of advice, whether through wedding showers or at the wedding or when you’re planning the wedding, but most of the advice is what I call “squishy advice.” This is advice like “Men should cherish their wives, and women should respect their husbands,” or “Don’t go to bed angry.” Sure, yes, these are important things to keep in mind when marrying a partner, but who’s going to explain the pros and cons of combining bank accounts? Or whether you’re on the hook for your partner’s debt after you’re married? With love in our hearts, this article hopes to be the no-nonsense financial aunt who offers advice about the pros and cons of doing a prenup at your wedding shower.

Have the finances talk BEFORE marriage

Were you raised in a house where it was verboten to discuss what your parents earned? Or was money a fairly open discussion? Depending on how you were raised, you might feel as if discussing finances with your future spouse is an icky, or uncomfortable, topic. Having two close family members as divorce attorneys, I can assure you that discussing finances BEFORE you marry is probably one of the most important conversations you can have. Here are some ideas to get you started:

  1. Money mindsets

I had a former colleague who believed in spending money as soon as he received it, and didn’t believe in saving for retirement. Now, he’s facing several serious health issues, and his wife is having trouble finding financial resources to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. This example isn’t meant to scare you, but point out that people view money in many different ways. This former colleague is now unable to work and produce income to pay for his health problems, but he doesn’t see this as a problem. I break out in hives just thinking about his situation. So before you tie the knot with someone, think about these questions surrounding money mindsets:

  • How do you define financial success?

  • What is financial failure to you?

  • When have you been responsible for managing money, and how did it make you feel?

  • What do you believe about money?

  1. Your financial backgrounds

As I asked earlier in this article, many beliefs about money are learned and developed in childhood. If your father had to file for bankruptcy when you were a child, you probably have a different view on money management than someone whose father invested successfully. Whether you and your partner realize it or not, both of you have internalized money beliefs that will impact your relationship. Questions to ask each other could be:

  • How did money affect your parents’ relationship?

  • Did you feel poor as a kid?

  • Who was in charge of money in your childhood?

  1. Financial goals

When my husband and I married, he had graduated from law school a year before and I graduated from law school months before we married. One of the biggest financial goals we shared together was getting out from under the debt of school loans. While we were usually on the same page about smaller purchases, we often had to check in with each other when we contemplated bigger purchases: is this going to get us closer or further away from our goal of paying back our student loan debt? Asking this question helped us keep our priorities in front of us, and, spoiler alert, we were able to pay the remainder of student loan debt in February 2018. Here are some more questions you can ask each other to figure out what your financial and life goals are:

  • Do we have shared life goals? Like having a family? Retiring early?

  • How do we achieve shared goals through our work and our finances?

  1. Debts and credit history

My husband and I have acquaintances who were together for a long time before they tied the knot. She knew she wanted to marry him, but he had cold financial feet. She had racked up a lot of credit card debt in college, and was still paying it back. He only proposed to her after he was sure her debts were paid.

That may sound harsh, but think of it as a form of financial intimacy. Being honest with each other about your money disclosures ensures that you each know how to best support each other in achieving life goals together. Talk about the types of debt you each have, the balances, and the interest you’re paying. Once you have a full inventory of each other’s debts, you can figure out how each of you manage and repay debt.

  1. Spending and saving habits

Are you a spender marrying a saver? Do you only buy things on sale, and your spouse buys things sight unseen? It’s important to get to know how you approach spending, and how your spouse approaches spending so you can see where you’re aligned and where you’ll need to compromise. While there isn’t any perfect solution to aligning your spending habits, these are some questions you can ask each other:

  • What is your take-home pay each paycheck?

  • How much do you set aside for savings from each paycheck?

  • Do you budget?

  • What will you spend extra for? What do you hate paying for?

  1. Managing money together

Are you going to pool your money, keep it separate, or do a combination of both? I find this subject fascinating because there’s no wrong way and no right way - there’s only ways that work for different couples. Here are some questions to ask yourself and your partner:

  • What expenses will we have for our shared household? How should those be split?

  • How do we want to share in the financial responsibilities of the household?

  1. Other financial obligations

I know of a mutual acquaintance who had a one night stand, and it resulted in twin boys who are now 11 years old. He has since married and had another child with his wife, but his twins have been in the picture since before he was married. It’s an important financial topic to discuss with your future spouse because a person’s entire financial situation can’t be captured by their net worth. Some questions you could ask each other:

  • Do you have children and do you financially support them?

  • Do you plan on financially supporting your parents as they age?

  • Do you loan or give money to family members who ask for it?

  • If your future spouse is a business owner, what plans do they have in place for the business in case they can’t run it?

Do you need a prenup?

A prenuptial agreement, or premarital agreement, is a contract between two spouses on how the marriage will work, or how property will be separated if the marriage dissolves. Really, you can put anything in a prenup if both parties agree to it, such as infidelity clauses or how your debt will be allocated if you divorce.

If you don’t have a prenup, and you divorce, your property will be divided according to the state law where you live. There are many opinions on whether everybody needs a prenup, or whether only high value asset-owning individuals need prenups. It’s important to keep in mind that most states require parties to a prenup to each have their own attorney review the document before anyone signs in order to make sure it’s fair to both parties. And just like all of the questions we discussed in this article, it’s equally important to keep from attaching emotions to these discussions.